Friends. Less annoying than family (usually), more reliable than acquaintances, they’re a necessity for a happy life. And as we all know, they come in almost every conceivable type. All of whom, conceivably, might enjoy a different type of card.
Below, a few suggestions for greetings for every type of friend in your life. New, old, silver, gold, and everything in between.
Newbie. They’re new! They’re shiny! They’re exciting! You just met them at the coffee shop, or the yoga class, or the marketing conference, and you really really want to impress them! So send them a card that tells them how much they suck! I mean how much they rock! Aargh! So stressful!
Golden Oldie. This friend has been around forever. They’ve seen you at your graduation, during your post-breakup coma, and twisting it out in your 2 a.m. kitchen dance routines. You’ve settled all your weird beef, and yet you still find them udderly fascinating. Cherish that.
Frenemy. Ugh. This friend. You know this friend. They’re friends with your other friends, or they’re part of your golf foursome, or their kid is best friends with your kid, so you hang out, but you just want to . . . I don’t know. Send some powerful farts their way. Most of the time. This card lets them know how you really feel about them while allowing you to deny it afterward. Beautiful.
Long-Distance. Maybe it’s your college buddy, or your childhood neighbor, or the friend who decided to pull an Eat Pray Love and take off around the world on a spiritual journey. Regardless of the reason, this friend isn’t nearby, but they hold a special place in your heart, and you want to know, naturally, if they’re stinking of poo. That is, thinking of you. Aw, crap.
Old Faithful. This friend might be nearby, might be far away, but one thing’s for sure: they’ll always be there for you. They never keep you on your toes about whether or not they care for you. But you can. Watch out, you lucky ducks.