It’s Halloween. Have You Been Ghosted?

The leaves are starting to fall. There’s a chill breath in the air. The nights are getting longer, and moonlight stretches over the dark corners of yards as black cats creep down streets …

Halloween is coming.

During this spooky season, it’s important to watch for little things that might be . . . different than usual. A kicked-over tombstone. A leering jack-o-lantern on a usually friendly porch. And, of course: loved ones. Watch them carefully; Auto(in)correct doesn’t want them to become things that go bump in the night.

For example: Is your daughter growing out her hair more than usual? Does she seem to especially cranky during a full moon, baring her fangs (wait, didn't we put braces on those things?)? If so, you may be living with a werewolf, or a teenager. Effective but illegal cures include silver bullets and daggers, but try to de-escalate the situation first with Wolfsbane potion. Or changing the curfew.

Or maybe your son wanders around in a constant daze, communicating primarily via grunts and nods as he gnaws on raw deli meat from the refrigerator. If so, you’ve clearly raised a zombie (or, again, a teenager). The only defense is to destroy a zombie’s brain; here, videogames and Snapchat may do the deed for you.

And then there’s your sister. Lots of cats, always mixing up something herbal “to sell on Etsy,” dressed in black? That’s a witch, or a budding cannabis entrepreneur. The only way to defeat one, though, is through trickery and evasion. Good luck doing that with the premier provider of “stress-free” brownie mixes in the Midwest.

Worst of all is the boyfriend who seems to float through walls just as you most need him to help. If he also shimmers with an unattainable glow, yet never allows you to get your hands on his whereabouts — well, sweetheart, you’ve been ghosted.

And there’s nothing scarier than that.

Send your ghoulfriends a cool card from Auto(in)correct this Halloween and let them know you love them and all their weird ways!

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